Welcome to the page dedicated to my daughter. Here are pieces of letters I have written to her over the years. Somethings are out of order. Just like the story of our life.
Written December, 19, 2016
Oh love, every lunch goes the same. Try to lift my spirits, just to get back down again. I fucking miss you. I’m always wondering if this job is worth it. Things are going to change, love. Our quality of life will improve. We’re going to make more memories, we’ll be happier..
I guess, you don’t know sadness yet, or anything more that what I’ve given you. & That’s the thing, I want more that what we have. You deserve it. All of my insecurities, I hope you’ll never feel. It’s time for me to start silencing them. I’m excited for this new chapter we’re going into. I’ll keep you updated along the way.
Baby girl, I hope I don’t let you down. I hope you grow up, proud of your mom. I hope you become all the good of me. I hope you teach me to let go of the negativity. I hope everyday we laugh. I hope you love your life.
Written Father’s Day, 2017
Oh baby girl, it’s been a little while since I’ve given you an update. As usual, things are changing around here. It’s been a week since your dad left to Puerto Rico, to try and remedy some of his damages, and work himself into a better person. You still might not notice it all the way. Especially since the last years he’s been here and there. Lately, though, he was vising you often. To the point where you’re asking for him now. Some things are getting easier with you. But then new things are really difficult. I’ve never doubted your father’s intentions with you. His execution of things, just don’t always seem like the best. Regardless, I know that he loves you. You’ll have to be patient, and keep your expectations real, and with time you’ll know why. In the meantime, I’ll keep telling you he’s off working, fighting crime and doing things that will amaze you. I’ll never rip the mask off of your hero.
Written January 29th, 2017.
Hey little monkey,
So your birthday was Friday, and today is Sunday. I’m getting my things together for work tomorrow. I think you had a good birthday weekend. Saturday you spent with your dad, and saw a movie. Then we went to chuck e cheese with his family. I think you had a blast. I love watching you enjoy yourself and explore. I keep telling myself that I’m not ready for you to be three. But damn, here you are, turning three. I am ready! Your momma’s got this, little monkey. You and I are ready.
you’re so smart and always sure of the things you’re going to do. In your own world, you’re sure of yourself. You inspire me. I hope that my motherly concerns, don’t ever become your own insecurities. I know I’ve sheltered you from a lot, and it hasn’t doe us any favors. So here we go, new experiences is what enjoying life is all about.
this world is changing, and rather quick. I’m never really sure what’s coming next. I promise to get us ready for our life. I picture us in few years, in a nice home of our own. To have our own traditions, to make our own memories. To spend the time getting to grow older, and still enough space to be independent. You’re so independent. I’m so excited to get to know you more. You’re so loving, sensitive, and funny. You understand emotions, and you always want to hug crying babies. I hope you always listen to your feelings, and always sympathize with other’s feelings.
I love you, I’m so proud to be your mom.
Written December 18th, 2016.
Hey my little monkey,
It’s Sunday. I always feel like I should cramp our day with activities. Like, if we don’t do something, than we wasted the day. But honestly, I just want to cuddle with you. Just stare at you, watch you. I don’t feel like I have enough of you, like I have you enough to myself. My job is so far. I’m really starting to feel it, the time we spend away from each other everyday. I need more time with you monkey. You motivate me to be more creative. TO spend wisely. To become more.
I love you, monkey. I hope you like our lazy Sundays. I promise I’m going to make more time for more adventures. In the mean times, let’s cuddle.
We’ll see the world, I promise. I just have a few things to straighten out. But mom’s gone do right. Moms gone make you proud. Lets grow older, slower baby. I love our life.
written May 16th, 2017
There will probably be few things that I’ll ever ask you to go after, whole-heartedly. More than anything. I hope that you go after your dreams. Chase them. However far they may seem when you first believe in them. No matter how many times you feel like quitting. No matter how many times someone says you should quit. No matter how many obstacles seem to get in your way. Always believe that you can. Always root for yourself, the underdog. You WILL be your hardest and worst critic, but remind yourself, too, how far you’ve come, where you’re going, and why you started to chase them in the first place. For me, that’s you. I don’t want to just tell you to chase your dreams. I want to show you what that looks like.
I love you baby girl, I’ll always believe in you.
written December 26, 2016
I hope you learn from my mistakes. Please! Listen to your mother. Especially when I tell you I’ve been there. I promise I will always guide you to a path less painful than the ones I’ve been through.
There’s a lot of questions, that you will one day have. When you get a little older you will have a few more and when you get a little older than that, a few more. As you get older, they’ll get harder to answer with white lies and sugar coating. So I’m trying my best to live a life that is easy, and will give you less questions. There will always be questions about your dad, and some will be hard to think about the right answers to give you.
I’ve lost a lot of sleeping thinking about where thing could have gone wrong, or if it was just that we were too young. Maybe we lost sight of the same goal. Maybe, perhaps, we were just meant to come together to make you. Perhaps, when you grow up and ask, I’ll of found the answer. But today, I’m having a hard time preparing for that.
One day, you’re gonna have innocent questions. Like why you have two rooms, or how Santa knows what house you’re at each year. Little lies, you’ll eventually out grow. I promise, I have the answers to your question. I promise to give them to you when you’re ready and need them the most. In the meant time, try not to out grow the little lies and the littles of things.
I love our life, as little and simple as it might be. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Written December 19th, 2016.
Every lunch alone goes the same. Try to lift myself up, then get myself back down again. I fucking miss you. Wondering in this job, if it’s worth it. I just want to be around you. Things are gonna change, love. They have to. Our quality of life will improve. We’re going to make more memories. We’re going to be happier.
I guess you don’t know sadness yet. Or anything outside of what I’ve given you. That’s exactly the thing, too. I want more than what we have. You deserve it, I deserve it. All of my insecurities, I hope you never feel them. It’s time for me to start silencing mine. I’m excited for this new chapter we’re going into. I’ll be keeping you updated along the way.
Baby girl, I hope I don’t let you down. I hope you grow up to be proud of your mom. I hope you become all the good things in me. I hope you teach me to let go of the bad. I hope everyday we laugh. I hope, above all, you love your life.
excerpt from letter written 1/27/15- your first birthday.
You are one year old today. I can’t believe it to be honest. It’s been one hell of a year. I wish I could say that I have had a lot of fun watching you grow this past year, but there are some dark days that cast a shadow over some of the beautiful memories. But we are further away from those days, and closer to some beautiful ones. I promise you Delilah, we’re gonna love our life.